Just Me

Childish Gambino

—Not Going Back


Not Going Back - Childish Gambino

I’m the boss, Michael Scott, y’all bitches is just Phyllis 

Loving this song right now  especially the end.

Cat lady ahoy.

Tonight I’m gonna have a long walk. I don’t care what happens to me as long as I take my mind off everything. I’ll return his stuff in the morning hopefully he wont be there.

(parts of what i deleted about from the last post):

I’ve felt that I had been there for him alot.. Through his rough times, when he wanted someone to talk to when he needed a home away from home.

However… I feel the two most times I needed him the most during the relationship… I couldn’t go to him, I couldn’t talk to him I’m by far not the strongest person but I’d like to think i don’t let my emotions seep through too much unless it’s towards/about him.

It’s just funny how I read some of the messages from him the past week and at the moments I felt loved.. and now not barely a week later its come down to the point where I’m building my wall back up and trying to gain the confidence I need to be alone again.

Thank you to the two anonymous(es) your messages have really lifted my spirit <3 I know i’d need time (maybe 3-4 years? o lawd i wont love again till I’m almost 30…. but its better than never loving again at all.) Also If you’d like to know what i meant by Ending a life come off anonymous(e) and i’ll message you XD.

I knew it.

It’s happened all over again. The same thing that happened with max, the one liner replies, the lack of calls the awkward silences, it’s happening all over again.

Last night i cried myself to sleep over how indifferent he was up untill i had mentioned what i had done.

I’m a fucking idiot for believing words that sound so pretty but are like kryptonite to the heart I had started to lower my walls and maybe accept that he might have been different.

Why am i so fucking retarded? Why did fucking let someone in. Why did I end a life? In the end I loved a kid that had just gotten his heart broken by someone else and tried to replace her. What more could I have wanted in that situation.

It hurts. It seriously hurts. It hurt exactly like it did before.

Maybe my recovery process won’t be as bad as it was last time. I’ll drown myself in work and maybe better myself mentally and physically.

One thing i know is I’m going to have to distance myself, not that it matters at the moment as he’s doing that but for the sake of my sanity and heart i’ll become the hermit i was destined to be.

Anyway today I invited him to spjerres birthday do, I know he wont be coming. So chin up and smiley face at least for my friends.

The time you looked at me.

I said I was clingy, I said i get jealous easily, I said I wanted to be loved..

Maybe… I said too much.

I think i’ll just stay in bed today, I’ve had enough with being social for awhile.

I feel bipolar about my feelings, One day I want him to talk to me, another day I do not, one day I want to hold and cuddle with him, next day I don’t.

I Need to be alone but I don’t want to be alone.

Maybe i will find a guy that will love me despite these messed up feelings?


don’t date someone that promises you forever. date someone who acknowledges that life happens, that people change, that things may get in the way. date someone who, despite knowing all of that, tries their hardest for your relationship. 

I’m foolish in the sense that knowing full well all of the above will and could get in the way… I still yearn for “forever" I still want him to be the one..

(via burrito-of-pain)

Id rebuild myself from toe to hair strand if he&#8217;d just say these few sentences to me after we had an argument&#8230; Instead of just walking out on me

Id rebuild myself from toe to hair strand if he’d just say these few sentences to me after we had an argument… Instead of just walking out on me

(Source: halllleybabbbby, via burrito-of-pain)

Roam with me.

  • I've fallen pretty hard to the point where I question my existence. Maybe he doesn't see it but you can only see yourself in a reflection, I guess that's why im always on edge or I tend to go into myself.
  • I've never been one to talk seriously with someone. Although in the past I have tried it was futile I feel in many of the situations im in it starts off fun and ends up pretty bad. I feel I just need to let it go shut up and try hold on to what little time we have left. It doesn't help that I have huge abandonment issues so I tend to try cut it off myself that way it hurts less but I get to the point where I get to this safe zone then I build a wall because I've now noticed how far I've gone and I don't like it.
  • I just gotta sit and occasionally let out a sigh or cry it out. <3 maybe one day I'll get used to it all but for now this is how I cope.

making my way downtown

still making my way downtown

downtown is farther than originally thought

seriously though did someone move downtown

maybe i should’ve taken the bus

Day 512: finally made it downtown

damn , the mall is closed . 

making my way back uptown



making my way downtown

still making my way downtown

downtown is farther than originally thought

seriously though did someone move downtown

maybe i should’ve taken the bus

Day 512: finally made it downtown

damn , the mall is closed . 

making my way back uptown


(Source: bootythug, via artherias)

Customize me.

The lights are always pretty this year.

I met her near the lights, was only for 5 minutes her hands were warm but I never took my gloves as I went out as he slept..

The next day

I didn’t want him to go but I ended up meeting her instead.

I need to distance myself. I wont be seeing anyone till January.

My unrulely hope.

I’m never sure whether or not I should show certain things to people beyond what they’ve already seen.

I fear being weird in his eyes but I can’t help but give off that sorta vibe. I’m not his normality although I am trying to be. No matter what is said some stuff must be thought about before being revealed, no matter it being the small stuff or it being large.

I have the tendencies to question stuff. It’s my downfall but I also like that about myself. One thing being movies, Yes I can sit and watch a whole movie through without having to read up on some small part but at the same time I enjoy it, reading slight parts up until the point I’ve watched to see how it ties up to the movie (I rarely read passed the point Ive watched unless its something that has caught me in a vice grip and the movie is playing it out verry slowly but even then it’d only be one scene or just the question answered that had originally brought me to read into it).

That’s why I love movies based on books.. The comparisons I can make the “spot the differences” sort of thing Is just another thing that I enjoy but its deemed.. weird. I knew I shouldn’t have brought up wanting to read up about it on my phone I should have left it till after. Shouldn’t have asked so many questions and should have just watched the movie “normally”..

With all of that said and done It’s probably best I don’t watch movies with him as I tend to go off on a tangent anyway and I can see it happening again.


Note to self: Movies are for alone time with myself.

Sad sentence but It’ll avoid the weirdness all together.