Just Me

Michael Jackson

—In the Closet

I love this song, I had it on VHS trip down memory lane <3

(Source: kingofrockpopandsoul)

Well then..

TAURUS - The Tramp (April 20 to May 20) 
Aggressive. Loves being in long relationships. Likes to give a good fight. Fight for what they want. Can be annoying at times, but for the love of attention. Extremely outgoing. Loves to help people in times of need. Good kisser. Good personality. Stubborn. A caring person. They can be self-centered and if they want something they will do anything to get it. They love to sleep and can be lazy. One of a kind. Not one to mess with. Are the most attractive people on earth! 15 years of bad luck if you do not share this post.

Hmm…. I’m not sure about the attractive… or the good kisser or extremely outgoing but I sure as hell am lazy and love to sleep.

Tomorrow a long day.

I’ve got to stick to my excising already I’m failing emotionally with lack of motivation.


Plans this week/next.

I’m going to go running in the mornings, walking at night it’s so peaceful..

I’m gonna refer a friend with someone, probably someone on raidcall I was going to do that with Kieran but he doesn’t seem the gaming type anymore.

Set up my drawing pad properly and actually practice.

Excersize.. Alot, no excuses and eat better. I’ve gotten into this sorry state because I thought I had found the one XD now I gotta better myself if I don’t love myself how can I expect someone to love me? Or get to love me?

Go out for groceries everyday for dinner or munchies, it’s better if I cook…

See how I feel after the week.

Relationship wise:

I honestly feel he’s getting bored of me. So, I’m going to better myself for the sole purpose of if we do break up I have friends to help pick me up.

Go out with the group more often… Sure there was that weird guy but I can’t say the stuff that I tried wasn’t fun.

Come to terms that the guy you do love will eventually stop loving you. No matter how much i want him to be the one, if I’m constantly doubting it and building walls I’ll never get anywhere.

Drop the walls, even if I’m hurt, I’ll learn for the next guy/girl I happen to love not to build them after certain arguments or just stuff that hurt me.

Learn to talk, I’ll talk, if he asks me questions “what’s wrong” etc. Even if I’m clingy or crazy etc as that’s what they were getting themselves into.

Learn to listen even if what I think is a lie or not what you want to hear.

Save up to go on a little retreat. I’m going to do that, either by myself or with whoever I’m with at the time.

If s/he asks you to get engaged say yes, they’ve obviously thought through enough to surprise you with no excuses and still wish to be with you forever.

Don’t ask him to stay over, if he wants to stay he will. Don’t question when he leaves.

I sound crazy but that’s how it is XD I thought 7 years was going to be forever however I was wrong. I thought I had found the one again… But…hopefully I just don’t get as hurt as i was before.

Now, tomorrow I have to get my ring finger measured XD and my week begins! Going to go to a few tattoo places. Gonna take alot of pictures.

And no don’t get me wrong I wholeheartedly love him I just lack the trust. I don’t know how to fix it. Maybe starting afresh? We used to spend all our time together but he doesn’t have the time anymore. I’m going to go back to work and save money up.

If he sat me down and spoke to me about everything, how he feels, if he lied about anything if he hid anything where he thinks the relationship is going where he feels he wants to be in the future what some of his problems with me and in general are, I would do exactly the same, no bullshit. Even if he doesn’t know where he wants to be, if he has even the slightest thought I’d like to hear… And I would do exactly the same, no stammering, I’d have an empty tray and will be able to learn and start again.

However he must want to talk to me, I won’t initiate it.

Won’t you talk with me.

I’ve lost the will at the moment. I’m in too deep… And i’m getting clingy I need to step back look at the situation and back off. We are no longer at the same level we were back then.

I was lulled by sweet words again and I shouldn’t have… Just to be left again with probably no calls or texts till I actually start them. I guess I’m okay for the one night comfort.

I said I’d go for a long walk yesterday, I’ll do it today I want to see the London Bridge lights again. I am no longer useful.. Soon he’ll look for.someone else and the cycle begins.

This week, I’ll start it. It’s nice that he thinks I don’t know..

I’m suffering.

Cat lady ahoy.

Tonight I’m gonna have a long walk. I don’t care what happens to me as long as I take my mind off everything.

(parts of what i deleted about from the last post):

I’ve felt that I had been there for him alot.. Through his rough times, when he wanted someone to talk to when he needed a home away from home.

However… I feel the two most times I needed him the most during the relationship… I couldn’t go to him, I couldn’t talk to him I’m by far not the strongest person but I’d like to think i don’t let my emotions seep through too much unless it’s towards/about him.

It’s just funny how I read some of the messages from him the past week and at the moments I felt loved.. and now not barely a week later its come down to the point where I’m building my wall back up and trying to gain the confidence I need to be alone again.

Thank you to the two anonymous(es) your messages have really lifted my spirit <3 I know i’d need time (maybe 3-4 years? o lawd i wont love again till I’m almost 30…. but its better than never loving again at all.) Also If you’d like to know what i meant by Ending a life come off anonymous(e) and i’ll message you XD.

Childish Gambino

—Not Going Back


Not Going Back - Childish Gambino

I’m the boss, Michael Scott, y’all bitches is just Phyllis 

Loving this song right now  especially the end. It pretty much sums up my situation and feelings.

The time you looked at me.

I said I was clingy, I said i get jealous easily, I said I wanted to be loved..

Maybe… I said too much.

I think i’ll just stay in bed today, I’ve had enough with being social for awhile.

I feel bipolar about my feelings, One day I want him to talk to me, another day I do not, one day I want to hold and cuddle with him, next day I don’t.

I Need to be alone but I don’t want to be alone.

Maybe i will find a guy that will love me despite these messed up feelings?